Project #85159 - revise

 

This is the teacher's feedback
I am impressed with the points you make in this paper. It is intelligent and well organized. Better than the first draft. It is not really what I'm looking for in this paper but let's go with it anyway. At this stage the important things to me are a clear thesis statement, three clear points to support it, a conclusion, and the writing itself.
 
Where you fall short is the thesis statement and the writing. You need to state the thesis more clearly in the first paragraph. You're almost there, but not quite.
 
As for the writing, you need to improve the grammar. The grammatical errors hurt your ability to convey your thoughts clearly. Concentrate much of you time and effort on grammar. Remember to get a grade of C you must use correct grammar. If you get less than a C in this class you must re-take the class so please put in the time on your grammar. The College has resources and tutors if you think you need that.  Check with your adviser.
 
Also, when you state something generally not  known, such as students having more back problems due to sitting, etc., you need to cite where you got that information.
 
I hope to see continued improvement in the third draft.
 
Remember it's due Monday.
 
Have a good weekend.
 

Subject English
Due By (Pacific Time) 10/05/2015 06:00 am
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